“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared