dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
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I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both