just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
You Might Also Like
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.