School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets