My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.