heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
True statement👍😏😁
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.