How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Not helping
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
me and who
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free