A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.