shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Alexa: *deep breath*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?