Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
You Might Also Like
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Chemical wingman
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it