I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
HOW DARE YOU
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.