Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia