My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.