[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I don’t think my car can fly
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.