Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L