*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down