3% human
97% stress
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My Guy
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Eat…
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*