Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
called in thicc to work this morning
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
podcasts
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon