help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
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In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Teach your children to beatbox
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel