Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
How did we not see this back then?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.