Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel