Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
It has been 3 years since Monday.