Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god