[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I need a headline like this
They grow up so quick
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.