Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no