Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita