You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
You Might Also Like
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa