[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
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Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.