Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
me hooking up with my ex
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!