If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?