Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW