My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling