me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1