I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.