Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
You Might Also Like
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I falcon love using swear birds
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪