[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
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Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.