Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.