If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
You Might Also Like
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am