To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’m crying im so happy for them
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
WHY would you be happy about this?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals