Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted