I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I鈥檝e always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 馃槀馃槀馃槀
This pepper has seen some shit
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I鈥檓 really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.