Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
normalize having existential bread
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
i’m sure it’s fine
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Woke up against my better judgment again
Support your local cemetery
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.