sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most