Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops