No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Breaking news:
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.