Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame