If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.