In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Saturday
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
omg leave her alone
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It