If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*