Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.